Hi there. I hope you enjoyed meeting the ladies of The Menopals Meetup last time. In the second instalment of my menopause novel, Kitty is just starting the first session.

‘So, I encourage interaction – please feel free to speak if you have something to say – but when a fellow-student is speaking, please raise your hand and let them finish. You have paper and pen to make notes with, and I’d encourage you to do that.

Gwen, Catherine and Laura picked up their pens and looked expectant. Dolly hesitated, then followed suit. The others waited until they had something to write down.

‘I’m going to begin with some facts and figures about menopause. Then in each class, I’ll ask one of you to share your story of your menopause journey so far, if you’re happy to do that. Everyone will get a turn, and you’ll feel more comfortable sharing as we all get to know each other, so only do it when you’re ready.

‘I have a number of topics I want to cover in these classes, and ideas for tweaks to your lifestyle that could make a big difference to your symptoms and how well you navigate this change of life. But first, I’d like each of you to create a positive statement.’

That didn’t go down well, but she’d expected that. She grinned. ‘Don’t groan at me! Yes, this is goal-setting by another name, but it isn’t just a corporate tick-box exercise. This is just something to aim at that motivates you. It’s a statement of how life is – not will be – at the end of our 7 weeks together. It’ll be something that lights you up, that feels authentic and inspiring to you, and proves you’ve gained something from these classes.

‘The thing with goals is, they have to be yours and they have to excite you. And so that you can motivate yourself even when you struggle to make these changes “just” for yourself, they’ll also be something that others around you will benefit from.’

Gretchen interrupted. ‘I don’t care about them. This is for me! They can look after themselves!’ 

Kitty grinned at her. ‘Good for you! For the rest of us, who do care about them, we’ll look at what’s called “protective factors” – what will motivate you when all else fails.

‘Now, here’s the other thing. We often tend to say what we don’t want, not what we do want, and there’s a lot of research out there to show that it’s the concepts we think of, not whether we want them or not, that our mind takes notice of. So, for instance, many of us struggle with weight issues in menopause…’

‘Oh, God, yeah!’ That was Gwen. She and her friend Catherine shared a glance and rolled their eyes dramatically.

‘…but if we focus on “wanting to lose weight”, what our mind picks up on is the word “weight”, so it gives us weight.’

‘Oh my God, you’re kidding!’ Gwen gave a dramatic eye-roll.

Kitty shook her head. ‘I’m afraid not. That’s why goals should always be phrased in positive words. Your mind also doesn’t know the difference between real and imagined circumstances, so that’s why we tell it what we want in terms of already having it. It’ll notice the difference between fact and statement, and if you keep repeating the statement, it’ll work in the background to make the statement true.’

‘Wow!’ Kelley beamed at her. ‘So we don’t actually have to do anything, just let our brain take the strain?’

Kitty chuckled. ‘I wish it was as simple as that! But if you don’t take any actions, your mind will think you don’t actually want it, and you won’t get anywhere. You need to tell it what you want, then do things that work towards it.’

‘Oh darn!’

‘Indeed. If it was that simple, though, we’d all be doing it already!’

Gwen huffed. ‘I suppose we would. So, go on then. How do we write this – what was it?’

‘Well, since “goal” is such a loaded word, I call it a positive statement. And it feels less judgmental and finger-wagging.’

‘Yeah, I can see that.’

‘So before we start drafting our positive statement, I’ll start with a few facts, just to remind you of some of the reasons why it’s important to do this work for yourself.’

Kitty brought the second slide up. All eyes turned up towards the screen above her.

‘There’s a book I can really recommend, especially for anyone who wants to know the science behind things. It’s by a lady called Dr Mindy Pelz, and it’s called Age Like A Girl.’

Gretchen wrote that down.

She read out the quote on the screen. ‘“Brain changes [in menopause] … can actually work in our favor. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out… Menopause offers us the opportunity to live our lives differently. We can dissolve the parts of us that no longer fit, and step into a new version of ourselves, a version that no longer desires pleasing everyone around us, that allows us to finally implement clear boundaries, and gives us permission to put ourselves first.

‘“Sound scary? I promise you it’s not. It’s freedom! Freedom from the exhaustion, guilt, shame and self-criticism that too many of us have been carrying around with us for years.”’

‘Scary?’ Gretchen was scathing. Kitty had often wondered what the word ‘scoffed’ sounded like – now she knew. ‘That’s how I live!’ Gretchen continued. ‘I don’t live to please anyone! I grew out of that a long time ago.’

‘Then you have the advantage over us mere mortals,’ Kitty responded with a smile. ‘Perhaps you can teach us a thing or two?’

‘Maybe I can!’ Gretchen agreed.

‘I look forward to that. In the meantime, here are some more quotes I found that embody my basic approach to menopause.’ She changed the slide. ‘What all of them are saying, in essence, is that it’s a time of life when we have the opportunity to reach a higher level of maturity, to decide what we want and find gentle ways to go about getting it – or just let go of any guilt or fear and rampage into it like a bull in a china shop!’ Kitty grinned at Gretchen, who grinned back.

‘What most women experience during peri-menopause is anything from a feeling that they’re changing in ways they may or may not be happy with, through heightened anxiety, even depression, and a number of symptoms such as hot flushes, night sweats, mood swings, etc, right up to feeling suicidal.’

‘Oh my god!’ Gwen’s hand flew to her mouth, her eyes wide. ‘Is that it?’

‘Does that strike a chord?’ Kitty asked gently.

Gwen nodded, clearly welling up.

‘It’s OK if you don’t want to talk about it, but I can see I’ve just explained something to you.’

Her friend Catherine spoke for the first time that evening. She put a hand on Gwen’s shoulder as she spoke, her voice soft. ‘It’s her sister. A couple of years ago, she left her husband, put all her affairs in order, wrote a will and all that, and then tried to kill herself. Luckily, she didn’t succeed, but she’s still very mentally unwell, and Gwen worries she’ll try again.’

‘Oh gosh, Gwen, that’s awful. And no-one’s ever connected it with menopause?’

Gwen shook her head, tears spilling down her cheeks.

‘Honestly – doctors! There are some awful horror stories out there about menopause, and most of them involve doctors who never even think to test for it. Well, if that’s the only thing you gain from this class,Gwen, it’ll have been worth you coming along. I truly hope that’s what it is, and that she can get it sorted out now.’

Gwen nodded her thanks, still unable to speak.

Kitty sighed and went back to her slides.

‘Unfortunately, experiences like this aren’t uncommon in menopause. It’s when women are most likely to attempt suicide – the rate of ideation increases 7-fold. It’s also when they’re most likely to file for divorce, quit their job, decline promotion, and generally lose confidence in themselves. Mental health often declines and memory issues and brain fog cloud our ability to do tasks we’ve been acing for years.’

Gretchen groaned, ‘Oh god, I can relate to that!’ Kitty wondered whether she was aware of how dramatic she came across as being.

‘Many women feel unsupported, invisible, lonely or losing their relevance. They may lose motivation and drive, as their priorities shift. One client of mine told me she’d spent 20 years pushing and hustling and working all hours to reach the top of her profession – only to find she didn’t actually want to be there. She’s not alone!’

‘She totally isn’t!’ muttered someone at the back of the room.

‘Well over half of women at this phase of life experience relationship issues. I think this problem begins internally – the mid-life crisis we can experience is partly because of the change of hormones. 

You see, what very few people realise is this. When we go through puberty, our production of progesterone increases hugely. One major reason for this is to make us more docile, more compliant, so we get on with the people we need to support us through the early phases of adulthood – and through child-rearing, if we choose and are able to have a family.

‘The problem with that is that we tend to let our own needs and wishes go unfulfilled. We compromise, our boundaries slip and we often lose sight of what our boundaries and highest values are. In other words, we can become puppets, operated by those around us. Unless you’re Gretchen, of course!’

The whole class laughed, Gretchen loudest of all.

Kitty beamed. ‘And that segues neatly into the first “student story”. I like to have each of my students tell their stories of what made them come to this class – that’s why I have seven students and seven sessions. It saves you from listening to my voice all evening, and really gives you a voice, which some of you may never have had before.’ She very carefully didn’t look at Dolly as she said this. 

She leaned forward. ‘Never underestimate the power of your story, ladies! Our experiences, of peri- and menopause, can seem so unique, but I promise you – while the details will be different for all of us, there are many other women who have gone through and are going through the same type of things. Telling your story is vital in these days of increasing awareness of menopause – and I would say, also increasing noise and misinformation, as well as all the great stuff out there.’

She sat back. ‘Given women’s tendency to suffer in silence, the first thing you need to know is that you are not alone. In any of it. Someone else – most likely many other women – will recognise and understand your experiences. Just feeling less alone and that someone else understands is a big first step in coping better with what you’re going through.

‘That’s part of the reason why I’m asking you to tell your stories of peri- and menopause. It also gives us concrete examples of some of the subjects we’ll be covering, so you can see how they show up and we can talk about how they can be supported in the real world.’

‘So, we’ll look at motivation and setting up a positive statement after the first of our student stories.’ She gestured to Gretchen. ‘Would you please tell us the story of your menopause journey?’

‘I’d be delighted to.’ Gretchen’s throaty reply was accompanied by a scraping of her chair as she stood up and strode to the front of the class.

‘OK, girls, settle down. Auntie Gretchen’s going to tell you a story.’

Kitty grinned and sat back in her chair.